When I started seminary I was certain of who God was, who I was going to be, how to be saved and what I wanted to get out of being at seminary. I knew God was the one and only creator of this universe. I knew God sent his son, Jesus, to die on a cross for the sins of humanity so that if we would offer our allegiance to his son, God would save us and let us be with him in the afterlife. I was going to be the Director of Christian Education at a church someday and I was going to school to learn how to better understand God's word so I could instruct others on how to teach it.
I heard from several people that seminary has a way of sucking the faith out of a good Christian. I was certain that my faith was stronger than seminary. I thought if your faith can be crushed by a presentation of ideas, than your faith wasn't very strong to begin with. I knew I had strong faith. When my professors would present an idea that was outside of what I had been presently taught I wasn't discouraged about my beliefs and I didn't negate their ideas either. I found a way to make it work. If my professor taught that parts of the bible were more mythological than factual, I wasn't devastated or argumentative. I simply thought, "It doesn't matter if it's fact or fiction, God is real to me and even if the stories were fictional they told me about the character of God and that was enough for me." If there was a debate about scripture being inerrant it didn't matter. If there were errors God is still powerful, he could still speak to us despite the errors.
That method worked well for me for my first three semesters in school. I was not rocked until my fourth semester and it wasn't anything in the curriculum that offered the crushing blow to my world of religious certainty.
My professor's encouraged me to write in my own voice. They did not want me to write based on what I thought they would like. They wanted me to respond according to my truth, and provide a basis for that truth. I appreciated their willingness to hear opposing views. While opposing views were fine for school, as far as church went I knew the pastor was the authority and was not to be questioned, only followed. I believed that if God chose someone to be a pastor it was for a reason and if I chose a particular church that was for a reason as well. So, at any church I attended I followed my pastor wholeheartedly. In school and in work and in all other areas of my life I was a thinker, I was a questioner. I wanted to know more than what, but also why and how. After reaching a conclusion I wanted to know if there was a more correct conclusion or a better approach to finding the conclusion. My certainty about God came from my belief that I was only to accept what was presented by others. At the moment I decided to be a Christian I allowed others, that I believed were more qualified, think for me.
I don't remember exactly how it transpired, but I do remember having that light-bulb moment in class one day. It was the moment I realized that God gave me this questioning mind, this inquisitive nature. I was using my ability to think critically in every area of my life except for my spiritual life. It wasn't that I wasn't thinking about spiritual things. I did, frequently. I just never allowed my thoughts to go outside of the boundaries that I allowed others to set for me. I had been successful in other areas of my life because there were no thought boundaries.
Once I began to allow myself to question, the certainty slipped away. I felt lost but at the same time I felt free. I have watched nearly every answer that I thought I had fade away into ambiguity. Some would say I have lost my faith, but I believe I have found it. I believe that even in my uncertainty there is a sincerity and genuineness that was not present before. I feel that I have allowed God out of his box and I have let myself out of my box. I'm not bound by the certainty I once had. I have realized that I was wrong about a lot of things that I used to hold true. I now know I could be totally wrong about whatever it is I am thinking from day to day. So, all I have now are questions, thoughts and ideas. I have beliefs that are subject to change as I learn more.
When I used to teach the middle school children at church they would sometimes ask me a round of rapid fire bible questions. I had an answer for every question and I felt proud to be able to answer their questions without hesitation and with such certainty. Now, if someone has spiritual questions I only offer various points of view, I have no answers.
